Not OK

I was hit by a car yesterday.

And it made me realize how little I know about not being ok. I'm so used to saying I'm fine that I don't know what to do when I'm not. I don't know how to tell people that no, I'm not ok and you just hit me with a car holy shit and please call the police. I don't know how to say you hurt me and I'm lying on the floor with my bike on top of me and I can barely catch my breath and does that look ok to you? Perhaps it's my privileged, fortunate life that has left me with so little exposure to pain and loss and sadness that I'm not able to express hurt; I'm too inexperienced to let the bottled up anger manifest in the "not ok". 

So instead I whisper "yes, I'm fine" as the world seems to spin around me and the sun seems too bright and I black in and out of consciousness. I stand up even though I know I can't and I almost instantly collapse onto the railing beside me, still dazed from the impact. People gather and I mutter the only words I can still remember how to say "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine..." so practiced after 20 years of being fine. I thank the lady who gets me the name and phone number of the driver and the spectators look on skeptically as I continue to reassure them that I'm ok.

And one by one they leave, only barely believing what I say...

And with one last "You're sure you're ok?", the car speeds away...

And one by one, my steps bring me home and I collapse on the couch, shoulder and neck throbbing in pain...

I'm not OK.